Monday, July 31, 2006
it has been exactly a week since i am not on speaking terms with somebody. admittedly it's hard on my part since there is no way that i won't be seeing that person.but sometimes, i'm thinking, what happened was a wake up call for me to do something..POINT 1:
I have been thinking of living independently for the longest time already but i have not yet gathered ample guts to do it. i have always been complaining that i'm sick and tired of how my life is being run by other people yet i am doing no way to resolve it. With what had happened, i was able to realize that i have long been living my life like a prisoner, one that needs to ask permission everytime they'd go out for some time, and the answer would still depend on them.
POINT 2:
Never was there a time I was able to decide for myself completely, there would always be the "consideration" of my folks, and if they won't allow me, poor me...i was able to come up to the thought that i am quite old enough to decide things for me..whatever the outcome would be, positive or not, the blame would all be on me, it's my choice, ergo, i'd be the one to suffer.
POINT 3:
If I would just want to, i could have filed for invasion of privacy for them intruding my privacy. everything should pass to them first, phone calls screened or at worst scenarios, they are on the extension phone listening, mobile phone callers are asked what they need, what i did with my money and stuff like that..really, it kinda suck already..
POINT 4:
i really did not intend to take Polsci as my course but since they wanted it for me, so off i went. even if my interest at first was not lined up for the said course, i set my mind to love it, and eventually i did. it's a good thing that i was able to learn to love it, because if not, i would have heard so much from them again.
POINT 5:
What I did was for them such a big deal..they won't let me go out of the comfort zone they have fenced me with yet they are afraid that i might still do it. they call me stubborn for not heeding them always but what can i do, this is me, so i need no comparison..they are afraid that i might indulge into something that would put them to shame, gawd!sometimes, i still do have lucid interval run into my nerves.
sometimes, a lot of what if's are coming into my mind..what if my parents were still here, what if i did this before, what if i went on with me being the rebellious kid that i was once, what if i care less of what impression will my actions imply...what if, my life is still as happy and as enjoyable as the life i had before..a lot of what ifs..but i know i can never go back to the same old days...
a friend of mine told me that i know what the best thing is.she even told me that still being there is no loger healthy for me. my mind's so crowded with a lot of things.i wanted to flare up..cry..say what i want..but i am sick and tired of not being heard..and if by doing so, i would still seem disrespectful of them..if not for the people who continously gives me pieces of advice and are helping me overcome this, i could have lost my sanity.over the weekend, i was completely decided on not going home anymore.it's not that they want me out of the house already, but if i would still be staying there, i don't know what's gonna happen since it seems to them that i am not existing..if not for the talk i had with some people that day, i could have been somewhere over there..believe me, this feeling sucks!
up to now, i am still in a state of "no-whereness", if there is such a word..i don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the week after, argh!it's a pain in the ass..until now, i wanted to cry..flare up..move out..but i simply can't..i have to be tough, even if i'm weak, laugh even if i'm crying inside,go on with life although it's hard..i know that life is not always happy but i think what i am into is, somehow, going beyond overboard..
the angel in disguise
is simply gorgeous writing at 4:31 AM
